Just A Little Bit Of Sympathy
May 29th 2006 05:24
Relationships are hard, no one’s ever going to deny that. Sure there’s love and excitement and sex and adventure, but as my intrepid commenters so wisely pointed out, there’s also ego and jealousy and pettiness and wounded feelings. So how do any of us ever manage to survive them?
I’m going to steal a term from Coleridge- the sympathetic imagination. He uses it to refer to what we usually call the suspension of disbelief, but I think it also neatly sums up the quality we all need to relate to other people.
And so I did try to imagine myself in Taffy’s shoes. Was she scared, uncomfortable, angry, overwrought? A relationship between two people is trouble enough, the problems only multiply when you start adding another person into the equation. And what made it much harder for her is that Mr. X and I already had a strong connection, and we’d been together for years. It was easier to ignore when she was the centre of attention and we were using our experience and mutual understanding to please her- but without that giddy rush my relationship with him was a threat to my relationship with her. She was suddenly the outsider. She didn’t share our history, she didn’t understand half our jokes, and even though she was officially my girlfriend her position was much less secure because she hadn’t known me nearly as long.
And so all she could do was lash out and vent her frustrated feelings in the easiest way possible- anger and tears. And me? I tried to be understanding but I was frustrated, angry and uncomfortable too. A fun combination for a fun fun morning. So who wouldn't sigh? And were we ever going to work our way out of this mess, and return to the excitement and passion of those halcyon early days? Please, just a little bit of sympathy.
I’m going to steal a term from Coleridge- the sympathetic imagination. He uses it to refer to what we usually call the suspension of disbelief, but I think it also neatly sums up the quality we all need to relate to other people.
And so I did try to imagine myself in Taffy’s shoes. Was she scared, uncomfortable, angry, overwrought? A relationship between two people is trouble enough, the problems only multiply when you start adding another person into the equation. And what made it much harder for her is that Mr. X and I already had a strong connection, and we’d been together for years. It was easier to ignore when she was the centre of attention and we were using our experience and mutual understanding to please her- but without that giddy rush my relationship with him was a threat to my relationship with her. She was suddenly the outsider. She didn’t share our history, she didn’t understand half our jokes, and even though she was officially my girlfriend her position was much less secure because she hadn’t known me nearly as long.
And so all she could do was lash out and vent her frustrated feelings in the easiest way possible- anger and tears. And me? I tried to be understanding but I was frustrated, angry and uncomfortable too. A fun combination for a fun fun morning. So who wouldn't sigh? And were we ever going to work our way out of this mess, and return to the excitement and passion of those halcyon early days? Please, just a little bit of sympathy.
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